ROW ROW ROW YOUR HOME… ….
GENTLY TO THE BANK….

In South Philly we lived in row homes, and they still do, except now they are possibly called Compact Vertical City Domiciles (CVCD) valued at $220,000 each in my old neighborhood. If you divide the price by square foot , South Philly has got to have some of the most expensive real estate in the solar system. What an interesting phenomenon, up there with the Aura Borealis I think.

For years property values in South Philly were extremely stagnate and in some areas slipping downward. Consider for the same period the price of a SEPTA bus ride, .35 cents in 1974 and $1.50 by 1996, (must be $22.50 by now). Now consider the irony that Cologero’s home at 12th and Cross stayed stagnant at $45,000 during the same time. Now the same house can go from $190,000 up.

I am happy to hear about the rise in real estate. I have known many people who put $15,000 to redo a kitchen in a house worth $35,000 or $20,000 to put up a new front. Put up a new front, what a South Philly expression- go to California and say “I will put up a new front, ” and they may think it is some personality alteration workshop that you attend.

I knew a person on my block that put nearly 50 grand into home repair in the early 80’s and the house was only valued at 55 grand! But you see in old south Philly these guys were there to stay. I knew of one enterprising person that purchased two row homes, knocked out the walls and joined them to make a larger Mega Row Home (MRH). This cost a staggering $45,000 in the 1970’s, yet both houses together were valued at $55,000…. We all laughed at this absurdity…. HAHAHA but recently this house has sold for an unbelievable $370,000… so HAHAH who has the last laugh now? Well not the man who spent the money and joined the homes because he died and his son thinking the neighborhood was going downhill, dumped dad’s MRH folly for $53,000 in the early 90’s….. The guy who bought the home, despite advice that it was a bad investment , had a right jolly good stroll to the bank…There’s the old South Philly irony.,.


Well let’s step back to the old pre boom days- what was a row home like in the old days, say the 70’s? The front was normally a monument to Italian stone masonry and brick setting (or laying as they say in SP). Depending on the taste and budget some of the fronts were marvels in design with long vertical windows or turned steps, or little brick patios in front… Patios???- about 5 sq feet, just enough for Conchetta to place her beach chair- yes we called folding chairs beach chair, even through the chairs never saw a beach. They would be better classified as Cumare Portable Sitting Devices (CPSDs). This allowed the Cumare a spot in front of their home where they could spend the warm summer evenings in conversation with their neighbors about such significant ideas as the reasons and justifications of the various prices at the Ac-ame , all to the eternal annoyance of young man like myself that just wanted a good night sleep..

Passing the summer cumare, your entry to the abode was via a vestibule – a private chamber between the front door and the inner door. The vestibule was often some kind of time vortex as this part of the house would retain its original 1900 feel with Crystal light fixtures ,tiled or mosaic floors , original wall coverings and doors etc.. Why this part of the house often remained untouched is anyone’s guess, but open the door into the living room and like Dorothy in Oz, you were greeted with a rush of South Philly modernity, which has nothing in common with common modernity.

Let us start our virtual tour with the living room- they always looked very good as if it was never used.. Now that may be because it never was used.. but the Cumares were very clean and kept a spotless well ordered house. One of my neighbors on Dickinson street had a house so pristine that we called it the House of Wax - how they managed to keep it like that with a gaggle of kids and relatives is and remains to me, a profound mystery.

As for the furnishing there were 3 styles:

Style A- imitation Louie pick a number furniture, a nightmarish copy of the furnishing of royal 18th century France. Perhaps there was a connect here as the French royal family, Bourbon, were also the kings of Naples. Also Italians build and design Versailles as well as the grand palace at Caserta outside Naples – all with fittings Conchetta on 8th street would love. Style A was represented by gold leaf furniture ( not real gold leaf just gold paint) , coffee tables with gold leaf and dark smoked glass tops ( which were historical anachronism as such tables never existed in the 18th century ) , plastic slip covers that provided greater protection then was given to the mummy of any XVIII dynasty Pharaoh , velvet wall paper… need I go on? Pay a visit to Synder avenue and chances are you will see at least 15 examples of this between 10 and 13th street.

Style B - circa 1930’s to 50’s. This was not an historical revival but the original furnishing as either they could not, or would not, refurnish the house. These homes often had some real gems if you like antiques. They may be a bit musty and have the feel of a tomb, but they were interesting. Horsehair and velvet, oak and mahogany , large black phone that weight at least 10 pounds, original wood floors with carpets, glass panel doors.. the old never used piano. I liked these houses they were fun. These homes were inhabited by living antiques themselves, Gumbas of great longevity, people who saw the world of the 1970’s as if it was still the 1930’s.

Style C- This would have to win the prize, for it was South Philly Modern , yes that
hideous , repugnant, revolting and comfortable South Philly vision of modern furniture. You know the stuff they use to sell on Passyunk avenue—glass bars with stone duck pedestals or imitation leopard skin upholstery or large acrylic lamps with mirror mosaics, screens in shads of reds and yellows- large prints of women in hats in various shades of brown and the obligatory large imitation peacock or ostrich feathers ( we saved the real plumes for the mummer’s). Shag rugs – yes wall to wall carpets 15 inches thick, often in various shades of dark brown. I can not even remotely describe the effect of a small row house with wall to wall dark brown shag carpets- it was like you entered a part of purgatory reserved for unusually strict penance. In addition to shag carpets you might also come in contact with a special ceiling called a popcorn ceiling. For those unaware of the pop corn ceiling this was an incredible South Philly scam of the 70’s and 80’s. They would show up to your home in a large motor vehicle that resembled a water truck. The workers would cover everything in the house with plastic and then via a large hose apply a thick plaster like subsistence to the ceiling. This substance , which was surly not of this world, contained particles of another unknown substance that reflected light and shone like so many distant stars. It was called pop corn because it had the look and texture of popcorn. When new and white one may even have an interesting first impression, like a Christmas nativity grotto. The house sparkled in the interaction between the ceiling the acrylic lamps and mirrors, producing an eternal starry night of the dream house of South Philly…. But even if one liked this surreal effect, in 4 years it would have discolored to a horrid off-yellow and chip and stain and give the effect of one of the rooms in the 4th circle of Dante’s Inferno… This is where the scam came in , you see it only cost about $700 to put this monstrosity on your ceiling- but it cost $1800 to take it down!!! I would imagine some enterprising Napolitano was behind it all.

No matter what style the living room took you also had the SP interior design coup de grace, that collection of knick knacks- porcelain and glass and metal things, lace table covers, plastic fruit and flowers, a religious frieze of Mary or St. Joseph or St. Rita or St. Theresa, the cheap tourist memento from Rome or Venice or Wildwood or the Poconos…. South Philly Kitsch.

Then there were the cellars or basements. Wretched little spaces beneath the houses that in the old days granpop stored his wine and cheese. Many families realized the potential of these spaces and attempted to use the area as an additional room to help with the camped living conditions upstairs. In South Philly these basements were only dug down 5.5 to 6 feet, so their use was never practical unless you paid the money and had it dug down at least another 2 or 3 feet. Most of the people I know would just lay a rug on the cement floor, put sheet rock or paneling along the walls, add a drop ceiling and ecco- you have an instant fixed basement or if you were really pretensions- a family room. Drop a TV into the subterranean pit ( which until cable was useless as you had almost no reception) along with some chairs and a bar and you were set. Of course you had the washer and dryer and water heater - great big things they were as well – but you put up some kind of partition and ‘hid’ them… Then you had what we called a Calabrese basement- this because the Calabrese people were notoriously diminutive in stature (along with their hard headedness) and so the rather low ceiling did not prove a hindrance to them. However, those who were not Southern Italian hobbits, risked concussion at every turn.

There was a dinning room- or dinning area on the first floor , but this was the deadest space in the house as dinners were set on it perhaps only a few times a year. The table was large with 6-8 chairs and took up a lot of space, until grandmon took a turn for the worst and her bed would be set up here so she could die in view of everyone like the Empress Maria Teresa.

The heart of the South Philly home was the kitchen- always at the back of the house on the first floor. More was spent on the kitchen then any other room. The kitchen not only saw the preparation of food but it also served as the social center- for the women of the house spent the day there- cooking, ironing, reading the papers, some even put a TV in the kitchen to watch their stories. It had a phone and was connected to the world... All female guest, and some male guest as well, were entertained in the kitchen. Usually mom spent the day in the kitchen cooking, watching TV, speaking with her friends, hosting visitors… all within reach of the stove and refrigerator; you could have an active social life and still make your gravy. This was an age when many women did not work outside the house so such a life was possible. The Kitchen was the HQ of the house and ,as in the case of a relative of mine, the Gossip Control Center (GCC) of the neighborhood- there was not a birth ,divorce, argument, petty crime, job promotion, loss of virginity, or home improvement that did not find its way into my relative’s kitchen and discussed and explored at length- while preparing veal Scaloppini or Cavatellis or Biscotti- Good food and Gossip- wasn’t South Philly fun!

Then there were the bathrooms- always one.. and in some cases you might even have a small powder room on the first floor or basement. The powder rooms were a great bonus as the row homes were crowded affairs. The bathrooms were always very small and unbearably hot in the summer. Mombassa , on the equator, in Africa , on the hottest day of the year, has nothing on a South Philly bathroom in July.

The bedrooms numbered 2 or 3, had large closets (cause they had a lot of clothes), the required crucifix over the bed , and maybe a picture of some long dead relative that no one could remember. Bedrooms had the oldest most kewlist furniture in the house, since no one would hardly see it they tended to keep the weddings set or their parents bedroom set which was always a nice old piece. The seclusion of the bedroom saved it from the South Philly Mod look, you see you only decorate what people can see. In South Philly we decorated the public rooms far more then the private, if people can’t see it, why decorate it? Private space and private reflection did not exist.

The houses had back yards also- 7 by 8 affairs, maybe a bit larger- we called them back yards but they were smaller then the bathrooms in most hotel lobbies. But we used them and played in them and Lucy grew her Basilica, and the kids set up their pools in the summer…and they hosted many a summer barbeque.. The barbeques in South Philly were strange affairs as dad stayed outside and cooked and the rest of us ate in the cool air conditioned kitchen …If it rained we sent dad an umbrella.

The south Philly row house. When I grew up most of these homes held on average 4-8 people! In my house we had 6, and the craziest thing is I never felt cramped!! Old row home life, with its lack of privacy and hideous design, were also the places where families lived, loved, grew and died. High School graduations, proms, weddings, funerals were all held in these house- they were vessels of memories and holders of dreams. I can look at my house now and smugly admired it , but in the cloud of my dreams I often visit the old row homes and take stock of what was …and now what is. But is it worth $370,000?????????????